I don’t know about you, but my life is illegally stressful.  It is stressful beyond the level allowed by the Food and Drug Administration.  Even my state government has assigned maximum limits to adult stress, and I am in violation of those regulations, too.  And I don’t drink, so there’s that.

My family and I currently live in one of those “nice subdivisions”.  Everything is regulated so no one can spoil the illusion of idealism.  There is a Home Owners Association – all members save one resigned in the spring over concerns that they might somehow be legally liable for the ultra deadly corona virus, leaving one individual in charge.

I don’t know who this person is on purpose, because who ever he is, he kept the swimming pool clean and sparkling all summer, but never let one living soul in.  In fact, he just had sharpened spikes attacked to the top rail of the fence to keep kids out at night.

When you drive by the park, still “closed due to coronavirus” you can see the sparkling water splashing from the big water features, as if he is taunting the children.  Wicked, ignorant man.  Every pool in town is open, public and private.  Some pools never closed for even one hour, but this man let the kids here swelter all summer.

Worse, there are drug dealers here.  They are selling children vaping products that are loaded with THC, the active ingredient in marijuana.  It works like this: Kid with smart phone running snapchat gets the contact “name”, always bogus, of the dealer and makes a deal to buy some gear.  Kid puts cash where he is instructed to put it via snapchat, dealer later drops off drugs in the same spot and bags the cash.

So I’m confiscating phones when my boys get home tomorrow.  They are spending the night at a friends house tonight.  I learned that one of the boys out front was a boy I banned recently, a boy that I went out of my way to help for a few years.  I banned him because he and two 16 yr old friends of his took my 13 yr old son into San Antonio one night and he would not tell my son’s mom where he was.  I found out the next day, otherwise, I would have called the police.

So tonight I called the banned boys dad to ask him to stop bringing his son into our neighborhood and dropping him off.  The kid snapchats his way into someone’s house and sleeps there.  I found him sleeping in my sons closet one morning.  One week he stayed for days.  He is an adoptee, so I cut him a lot of slack.  But by taking my son into the city, he burned his bridge with me.

On the call, I asked his dad to stop dropping his son off in our neighborhood.  I asked him to give his son a drug test.  He replied that he has, and that his son failed it.  Mine, too.  mine, too.

His dad was also drunk.  He told me he was at his wits end, as am I.  I recently had the banned boy and his dad over for dinner.  His son had gotten in a bit of trouble with the law, and I wanted to help navigate things to get the charges dropped.  They were, and still after feeding him and helping him avoid another criminal charge, he takes my son into the city at midnight without permission, which he would have never gotten.

Burned bridge.

Two weeks ago I was in Colorado, backpacking and hiking and relaxing.  I didn’t want to come home very badly, but I did.  My first day back I learned what a horror show my oldest son had been, and my first interaction with him was with a two foot long pine board across his back side.  Later, I learned that a neighbor mother came to our house crying, asking my boys mother to please never let my two sons come back to her house.

She is a single mom and she has just had it.  I hurt for her.  Yet there are so many obstacles to controlling this madness.  My 14 yr old walked past me in the laundry room after I ran off his banned boy, who was lurking outside my house waiting for my sons to come out to go spend the night with another kid.  When Luke walked past me, he got kind of chesty and said “Get out of my way”.

Not a smart thing to say.

My primary instinct in a case like that, where my own son is so contemptuous toward me, is to make a hole in the sheet-rock about the size of his head.  Regrettably, solutions like that are deemed illegal.  So I grabbed his arm and chewed him out a bit.  Maybe the board would be a better solution.  But at some point people have to choose what kind of person they are going to be.

This problem is not unique to us.  The same things are happening at other homes throughout this subdivision, and I suppose that is true for subdivisions throughout America.  The scripture states plainly that troubles just like this will be common in the tribulation era.

The bitterness and unending strife in my family is staggering, and I cannot live this way.

If you do not know, my former wife divorced me about 1.5 years ago.  Out of the blue, not telling anyone, she filed.  I know that hurt my kids.  Personally, I was relieved and when I got off the phone with her after she told me the strange man was chasing me in his car to serve divorce papers, I simply looked up and said “Thank You, God.”

I moved about a mile away, close enough to visit my kids a lot, and a year later she was telling me that she made a mistake, that she “messed up” and wanted me to come home.

Personally, I knew that she could not manage the kids and wanted me back in the house to be the enforcer.  So I moved in.

My sons have changed for the worse in every way.  It is a nightmare living here, and I would leave without hesitation except for my six year old son.  Leaving him there with them is so bad that I do not have words to express how I think about that.  He is adorable, smart, wise, and kind and funny.  I cannot leave him to rot, to become as they are, but living here is so physically harmful to me that I cannot imagine living here any longer.

I discussed this with myself when I was packing to move back.  I knew it was bad, but not this bad.  I knew I was leaving my life of peace to enter into a living hell of a life.  But I did not want to turn my back on my children, though the oldest two and my former spouse seem to despise me.

She has been hateful to me for years, vacillating between friendly and cruel.  I was glad to move out except for leaving my boys, by order of the court, which knew nothing about reality.

Yesterday I filled out my US Passport paperwork.  This week I will submit it to the passport office and when I have my passport, I think I might move to Israel.  Sometimes, we have to step out of a situation and let it collapse of its own weight.  All I know is that “if the unbeliever chooses to depart, let her go.  We are called to peace.”

She told me yesterday that she does not want to remarry.  Obviously, she wants me to be here to make things easier for her.  I understand that, and although it is a profoundly selfish and ungodly position for her to hold, I am grateful to be here to be a reliable witness for my sons.  Years ago, and I mean about 45 years ago, I wrecked my motorcycle.  As I flipped over the front of the bike after leaving the roadway at about 70 MPH, I prayed that God would let me live to have a family.  My dying wish; the desire of my 19 year old heart.  My family is the most important part of my human life.  That said, there is a limit to my patience.  I cannot endure this much longer.



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14 thoughts on “Tension”

  1. Praying that Abba Yah will give you His strategy for your life and that His Shalom will guide you. Maybe the passport is part of His strategy.

    Stress is rampant at the moment. I have noticed that demonic activity is always heigher around the Feast days…and with everything else thats going on…..hummmm. There is so much that Abba has shown me over the past few days… especially looking into Yom HaKippurim and what it really means.

    We as parents ‘crave’ for our chikdren to come to the knowledge of the Truth, and the ‘grief’ of them not having an interest , creates unbearable stress….because there is nothing we can do…except pray that Yahweh will be merciful and grant them the desire to pursue Him.

    (Have you thought about taking your 6yr old camping for Sukkot?)

    Much Shalom and stay strong in Abba.

    1. Looking forward to Sukkot. I will definitely consider taking my wee one. That would be wonderful. Maybe I will. Thank you for the suggestion, Kate.

  2. Jerry, you cannot give up! Especially on your teenager. I had much worse problems with a teenage girl, but I didn’t give up on G-d to fix this girl which he did. Lots of prayer and knock-down-drag-outs later (about 4 years!) she blossomed into a beautiful Y’shua loving woman .
    Be the dad. It’s hard but you must do it. Let the mother go but keep the kids close. I let the dad go because he was no interested nor caring, but hung tight onto Y’ahua! He’s all I had.

    1. 🙂 Kids. I agree, I still must be the dad and that’s what I tell them: I have a job to do and I’m going to do it no matter what. They are perpetually antagonistic toward me, and I discipline them for it, but I’m also generally open and available to them. I always tell the truth and am quick to forgive. Loving them in spite of their colossal misbehavior will be a cornerstone memory for them when they are adults.

  3. Tough spot but ur boys need there dad there your blood I’m 4 miles away living with elderly parents gave everything to ex thankfully I live in ne Fla and have a real governor and I surf daily at 53 pray hard repent daily love GOD love others get a hobby u love and just maybe the boys will want to do it with u i would move out like u were u still need ur sanity GOD WINS

    1. Thanks, Marvin. You are right, certainly. The hobby – tried that several times. No interest from them. Sanity? Yeah, need that for sure and sometimes I do wonder if I have any left. The only real and true thing I hold on to is the Word and the sure knowledge that Yahuah loves me. He is all I have, and He is sufficient, but the path is hard, and it hurts.

      Thanks for your good words, Marvin. I appreciate you.

      1. Some thoughts. Could you take your son somewhere pleasant and have a conversation with him? Let us pray for wisdom from Yahuah! 1) could you draw from your son what he feels in his heart freely. 2) Could you ask what he thinks the consequences will be for going in the wrong direction or what good or satisfaction comes from choosing to go along with delinquency. 3) What does he think the future holds for him? 4) Acknowledge he doesn’t have the same outlook you have and ask him to explain what he sees is good for himself in his present mindset and for his future. Explain how you know it is difficult to fathom out how this world works and you know you cannot tell him about your vision because you know his mind is not open to accept what you know and understand. Tell him as your Father you love him and want the best for him but it is his choice. Ask if he can see that we make our own choices but if they are the wrong choices we pay the price sooner or later.

        1. June, did you know that Wisdom was with Yahuah in the beginning, when the world was made? Do you know that Wisdom has a sex or a gender, which is feminine? Not all women are wise, but you are.

      2. Jerry I had an extremely difficult life. All my life I wanted to know what the bible would teach me. I was overjoyed when an invitation came through my letter box offering free bible study. Home was difficult to the extreme and church was worse. I was ordered to beat my new born daughter for crying or making baby noises during meetings. I didn’t know one iota of the bible and prayed to my Elohim saying ‘surely Lord this is not right beating a new born for whimpering in church on account of Prov. 22:15 ‘The one holding back the rod is hating his son, and Prov. 22:15 “train up a boy according to the way for him Prov. 13:24. Immediately Yahuah answered my prayer and told me that elder was wrong to see Deuteronomy 6:7, ” You must inculcate these words in your son (child or children) and speak of them when you sit in your house or walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up”. I went on to teach the new born scripture and was disciplined and told it was wrong to try to reason with my new born baby girl I was to physically beat her.

        My Elohim told me to leave these people and he would instruct me as I had my Bible. I was told to forget all I had heard from this organisation. Not that it was all wrong but I had previously been told about them and where they failed to know the teachings.

        After that I communicated with my children and when there was a problem I asked my Elohim and he would instruct me. I never forced religion on them. Later I learned from my children they appreciate my upbringing. They have grown into adults with beautiful, loving personalities. I was told by one of my two sons he is so glad I didn’t force religion on him and that he has a strong bond with Almighty God. He knows the power and Sovereignty of God.

        From this my message would be seek guidance not according to religion but according to the Love of God and teaching of Christ. For if you panic thinking you’ve got to save your sons before judgment I fear you will cause confusion. When our messiah comes he will judge according to a person’s heart and the measure of love and adherence to doing good.

        I found seeking instruction by knowing what the scriptures taught without sitting down dictating what they need to do to be saved made a great impact on their lives. As did allowing them the freedom to reason for themselves and express their thoughts but not under compulsion. Sometimes
        a child seemed rebellious but their action would be because they were frightened and confused and didn’t know the real reason why. That was where the power of the Holy Spirit gave enlightenment and guided me to reason it out with the child.

        I hope this could be good advise. You can decide if it is or not in your estimation. Bringing up children correctly isn’t easy. I found I understood scripture better when I would seek inspiration given by Holy Spirit from my Adhonai to explain to my children in a loving way and I got results.

        1. Dear June, thank you for sharing and I certainly agree with you on your understanding of the Word. Yahuah desires mercy. Yahusha says loving Yahuah with all one’s heart, mind, soul and strength and loving your neighbor as one loves himself “sums up the law and the prophets.” I try to deal with my sons with the future in mind. They will be boys for a short time, and men for a long time. My job is to teach them to be godly men, to be righteous in their dealings with both Yahuah and with man. Currently, that is meaningless to them. They are selfish, rebellious and proud of it. I am ashamed of them but June, I was worse than them at the same age, a secret I keep quite well. But being worse than them, I know most of the tricks and they are continually frustrated by me being one step ahead of them.

          I’m proud of you for defending your baby against religious tyrants, June. They prey on the innocence and the ignorance of sheep who wander into their sphere of influence, and I am not surprised that your children grew up to respect you. Like you, I incorporate biblical teaching into most conversations with my kids. No matter the problem, there is always an applicable scripture. Often, I don’t even mention that “the Holy Bible says” or “Yahuah says”, but just teach the wisdom of it and let Yahuah confirm it in them in the future.

          Stay strong, June. If you can, store food and be discrete about it. Major food retailers in England just started rationing certain food items, and it won’t be long before we encounter the same issues. China is way short on food due to the flood and the pig virus, which wiped out 50 percent of their primary protein source. With 1.5 billion people to feed, a food shortahe can lead to rebellion, and to avoid rebellion, China might start a war.

  4. I enjoy reading your articles, Jerry. Thank you. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us, brother. Keep up the good work. I share your stuff on Facebook sometimes, btw. Hope you don’t mind. ♥ 🙂

    1. Hi, Lyndon. Thanks for reminding me that we can endure. You are right, certainly. Maybe I need to rely on Him for this more than I rely on me, but man the idiocy and rebellion from my own son is dumbfounding. I have noticed many readers coming from Facebook. That is good. Facebookers need the Truth 🙂
      Love you, brother. – Jerry

  5. Jerry, you can endure. You have shown me so much love. I feel the same way as you do. I feel like checking out. But in a bigger way. But our kids need us. So we push through. There are good days and there are bad ones. I know though, we have ourselves to live with. You be the rock. You lead your family. Please keep on. You can do it.

    1. Prepare for the madness, Ryan. Devote yourself the the Word. Read it and get it inside you. The wild destruction of the world is under way. It will come in wave after wave of pain. Big things, major problems and lots of hatred. The best and primary defense against all this is the Truth. Fill your spirit with the Words, Ryan. Above all, follow His commands. Abide in the Words. Keep them in your thoughts, and He will use you in powerful ways. Your purpose will be revealed. You have a purpose in this time of sorrows. Find it through His Word, Ryan.

      Thank you for your friendship. I am encouraged greatly by believers.

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