At Great Cost, Will You Do Your Best With No Guarantee Of Success?

Its getting hard, this endless waiting for life to become normal again.  Its never going to be “normal” again.  I am sitting in my living room at 2:00AM, quite angry with my former spouse for her behavior toward me when I physically spanked my 13 yr-old son for telling me to “F… off” again tonight.

He was mad again, boiling because I would not let him play Xbox past midnight.  And he stays mad.  He’s mad at me because I made him locate his mountain bike, a good one that I bought him a while back.  Some stray kid in some other neighborhood has it in his garage and has had it for weeks, all while I am asking “Where is your bicycle?”

So there is more to that story than they are revealing.

This is the same son that was caught by the police in possession of marijuana in 5th grade.  Yeah, 5th grade and my son.

52From now on, five in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three. 53They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother,  mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.” Luke 12

Since my former spouse divorced me, my sons have become strangers to me.  I do not know them any more, although I see them daily.  They are sneaks, liars, defiant and wicked.  I almost despise them, except for the inconvenient truth that I love them.

Better a dry crust eaten in peace than a house filled with feasting—and conflict.

Living alone and in peace is far superior to living in a palace with constant, ceaseless conflict and acrimony.  Yahuah gave me freedom and peace a year ago, but my love for my children holds me here, and the threat of corona virus drives me close.  I cannot leave and I fear for them.  I have to fight for their lives.  I cannot run for safety and leave them without me.

It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

My former spouse immediately condemned me when I spanked my cursing 13 yr-old son.  She had no idea what he said to deserve such a spanking, but her making a villain of me was immediate, and as always in front of the kids.  A common trait among spouses.

A foolish son is his father’s ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.

My oldest sons are humiliating.  My oldest has a girl he is interested in and I met her dad.  Her dad tells me what a fine boy my son is, and I can only weep inside, knowing differently.  My second oldest was described in a community Facebook posting regarding some misdeeds of another child.  To wit – “Michael seems like a really good boy.  He is polite and has good manners, but its all a front for the really bad behavior he exhibits after he lets his guard down.”  So true.

In February 2019, one Monday afternoon, I began to pray that Yahuah would end my marriage to my former spouse.  I did not want a divorce, as those are terrible things, like cancer that just chews up a family.  No, I wanted a definitive end – such as death 🙂  I am very honest with Yahuah.  Respectful and remorseful for my sins, but honest.

He heard me, and precisely four days later my spouse filed for divorce.  When I found out, I hung up the phone and said “Thank you GOD”.  It wasn’t death, but it was liberation.

I stayed in almost daily contact with my kids, but over time, they grew to hate my authority.  My middle son constantly tells me that I’m not his dad because his mother divorced me, and that I have no authority over him.  Yet just like a dog returning to his vomit, so have I returned to this place of constant contention.  A fool to his folly.  That is me.

But right now my 14 yr-old is upstairs coughing.  Two weeks ago my 5 yr-old had difficulty breathing, and a few days later I also could not get sufficient air into my lungs.  My 13-yr old was very ill for two days last week, running a fever and shaking with chills.  And then it all disappeared.

So I’m here making sure they have food and nutrition in very specific forms.  My former spouse asked me to live here, and I’m sure it is because all hell breaks loose when the kids, who live with her, don’t get their way.  The day before I “moved in”,  Michael spent the wee hours of the morning pounding on her bedroom door with boots, demanding Internet access.  It was maybe 1 AM?  Then he and his brother went upstairs and started banging drums and stomping the floor over her head for three hours, according to her.

That’s how she lives – children totally, wildly out of control and she is desperate for help. I do help because I owe something to my kids. I want to know that I truly did my best, and that I did not simply abandon them as I so deeply want to do.  But at what price?

I do not genuinely want to abandon them.  I want to raise them to be men who love Yahuah and keep His commands.

Sometimes we have to point our face into the wind and push on into the unknown with zero guarantees of building good men or any other righteous endeavor.  We might seem foolish, stupid, ignorant or just plain wrong, but the bottom line is the answer to the question “Did I do my best?”

The best always carries the greater cost.

I love y’all.  Keep in good spirits.  Remember, if Yahuah knows you, you have a great future.  Maintain your faith by keeping His Holy and good commands.  Love your neighbor as you love yourself and look out for your neighbors best interest.  I’ll have some good prevention info on Coronavirus in a day or so.  Selenium, K2, D3 and Magnesium Citrate daily.  A powerful combo that makes it hard for viruses to survive. Or so I believe. 

Let The Christians Go

I have not posted much lately, mostly because my life has been rapidly evolving and I lacked the focus to share any meaningful information.  In the last 90 days, my wife divorced me, my oldest and dearest friend died without bothering to even let me know he was sick, and I walked out of my Christian church convinced that there is no good going to come from my fellowship with the members there.

The Divorce

I have been in a serious bind maritally for many years.  Although I loved my wife, there were several important issues that had made life together extremely difficult for many years.  I prayed for YEARS for Yahuah to resolve them, and finally, this year, I began to pray that He would provide a definitive conclusion to our problems. Continue reading “Let The Christians Go”

Sin Hurts The Innocent The Most

Hello.  How’s your day?  Do you have troubles that hurt?  Fears?  Concerns?  Have people you relied upon violated your trust?  Are your friends, spouses, children unfaithful to you?  Are you betrayed by those who claim to love you?

Yes.

In all of my life, all the years I have lived and in all of the utterly profound ways Yahuah has reached out to me, I have only experienced faithfulness from one source.  No human has ever been faithful to me, not one.  The closest any person ever came to being faithful to me as a human being was my mother, who is dancing in Heaven now.

I’ve rarely had a faithful friend.  Two of my best friends, both dead, were exceptionally loyal.  One, Lane Alton McCarty was closer to me than my own brother for 45 years, right up until he gave up on life, turned to meth and died a shriveled up addict alone in a Houston hospital.  He died angry, filled with hatred for me because he was certain that I had told his mother about his addiction.  Meth.  It destroys the mind first.

He was not a believer.  He was a “christian” if you asked him, but he had no desire to know Yahuah.  He would listen to me and he knew that I was quite different in my faith, but he loved himself most of all.  In the end, it was my faithfulness to him that maintained our friendship, and my faithfulness to him that broke it.  I gave him the tough love that I knew he would reject, but someone had to very bluntly tell him that he was on the path of death.

He died.

My ex-wife hugged me a couple of hours ago, telling me that everything would be alright.  I’m under immense pressure these days, and really struggling in my mind with some big burdens.  Her hug was a nice gesture, but I replied to her that I would rather be hugged by a woman who was faithful to me.  I don’t mean sexually faithful, but faithful in her heart, mind and actions.  Faithful.  Faithful in her decisions, her words and her thoughts. Trustworthy and reliable.

My nephew told me this morning that I had been married several times, and I have.  Three times women have divorced me.  Two were sexually involved with other men before divorcing me and this latest one just did not want the demands of “wife” on her shoulders.  One less voice for her to hear. One less obligation.  So good riddance to our history, our family, our commitment, our children’s family, their dad, their heritage.  All for the sake of her  imagined convenience.

People.

In all of this there is one true friend, my rock steady Yahusha, always praying for me, dying for me, teaching me to love every other person on earth.  He is with me all the time.  When I am dying inside, there He is.  When I want to drive over a cliff, there He is.  When I eat, exercise, write – there He is.  He never leaves me or forsakes me.  He is always with me.  He alone is faithful.  He alone.

All of my life-long friends are dead.  And I don’t have any new friends.  I haven’t made an actual friend this century, because my wife and children were my world.  I gave them my life, even quitting two jobs (both at the urgent pleading of my wife) to help at home with the kids and homeschooling.  She concluded that home schooling was far to difficult, and wanted to put them in public school.  Horror show, public school.

Then she signed a lease on a new home in town and moved half our furniture into it while I was away with my sons mountain biking about 1400 miles away.  We moved, regrettably, and a few months later she filed for divorce.  She didn’t tell me that she filed for divorce, nor did she bother telling the children.  I was simply chased 30 miles by some stranger, and when I phoned her from my car she replied “He’s probably trying to serve you.  I filed for divorce today.”

My children heard her the same instant I did.

It might be that Solomon is right – that in all his life, he never met a single faithful woman.  That’s right, he said that.  But he also said that only one man in 1000 is faithful.  Not a significant percentage, but better than zero.

Eve sure wasn’t faithful, and she led Adam, who foolishly followed her into sin.  Foolish man.  Faithless woman. And her first born proved himself wicked by murdering her second born.  She lost them both.  A high price to pay for eating one single fruit.

Regret and remorse grow in the soil of infidelity.

What did Eve first think as she looked on the dead body of her faithful Abel?  As she looked into his dead eyes and as she called out his name over and over, how her infidelity must have weighed down on her with unimaginable weight.  The personal responsibility for bringing death and murder into the lives of her own children.  I do not see how she withstood the pain.  Eve suffered, you can be sure of that.  Poor woman.  The eternal grieving, the bottomless pit of her first nights sleep with her faithful Abel dead in the cold, dark earth outside.

Her good boy.

I would yearn for death until I died.  No way I could have endured what she and Adam endured.

Foolish Adam.  Foolish man.  Did you weep, father Adam, as you dug the burial pit?  Did you blame Yahuah?  Satan?  Eve?  Yourself? Did hatred for Cain grow in your heart?  Did mercy?

Poor people.  The sorrow they must have endured their entire lives, knowing that they were responsible, in part, for every wicked thing, every accident, dead child, broken bone, lie, fight, and murder among all men for eternity.

“Here is our father Adam, who gave us the consequence of his disobedience.”

And we think Job had it tough.

Within four months of my X-wife’s divorce, my beautiful 13 yr-old son was arrested on a felony theft charge.  My son who used to cry when I prayed with him.  Now he mocks Yahuah.

Sin has consequences.  His family was cut down on an impulse by someone he trusted to protect his family.  One he relied on did what he most feared.  Sin has consequences.  Ask Cain.  Ask Eve.

We might never have faithful friends or faithful spouses.  We might experience significant betrayal  from people we most love.  But we must always be true to ourselves.  We must be faithful to our own being, and the only path to that faithfulness is the Way, because when we follow Yahusha in the Way, we become faithful.  We become steady, stable, wise and loving.

We will continue to live even when death suits us more.  We walk in light and righteousness, even when we are in despair.  Why?  Because we are faithful, silly 🙂  We are called to be the faithful.  We cannot imagine any other path.