7 Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
I’m struggling here. As some of you know, my baby brother killed himself this week. This is a path I never imagined walking, and it is a difficult one.
The sorrow comes in waves, the intensity expanding and retracting, but every succeeding day the pain is greater than the day before. The reality that I cannot “fix” this. I cannot restore my broken-hearted sisters hearts. I cannot laugh with my brother again, and his broken hearted son – my nephew; I cannot conceive of the pain he feels.
Self-murder is forbidden by Yahuah. “You not murder” is the original paleo-Hebrew (Hipiru – “wanderers”) command, which can even be interpreted as meaning “not murder you.”
But my brother did just that. He directly broke the command. I have an aunt who also took her own life. She was a wonderful woman who mailed my a Holy Bible (ESV) for Christmas in 1976. My first bible, and I was 18 years old and reading that very bible when Yahuah summoned me into the desert where He filled me with His spirit and sealed me as His own.
My aunt took anti-depressants back then, and seemed to struggle terribly with depression. Yet she was a joyful delight and it was her bible that I was reading when I was called. Jan Dominey was her name. She has a new name now. She shot herself in the heart with a .357 caliber revolver one afternoon in a fit of desperation over whatever caused her so many emotional problems.
Years later, I saw my deceased sister Laurie in a very real dream. She was waiting for my mother to pass into life, and beside her was the silhouette of two other women. I am sure that the first other woman was my aunt Jan, and the second one was my grandmother, the mother of both Jan and my mom.
They were waiting for my mother to leave her human body and join them. The dream ended when the gloriously beautiful Laurie turned, looked directly at me and smiled the most brilliant smile. The delight in her eyes was indescribable.
I will see her again soon. Praise Yah.
My brother Tim I do not think I will see again. Not because he killed himself, but because of the immeasurably bitter rage that lived within him. He has been a terribly bitter and resentful person since he attained puberty. He wrote the most cutting words, and did so for decades. He once sent me an email that was so raging with hate that, after I read it, I deleted it and emptied my recycle bin. I never wanted to read those words again, and that was nearly 20 years ago. He continued in that vein until he died.
I knew that his hatred would kill him. One cannot contain such spiritual poison and live a full life. It is impossible, although I do admit that I never saw suicide as a potential outcome. At least I have no recollection of it. I assumed that a heart attack or stroke would get him pretty much around this time. He was 59.
He judged people mercilessly, particularly the people who knew him best. He judged his sisters and myself, and my mom and dad very harshly. He wrote a “book”, and the title if it was just the street number of my parents house.
Below is a section of an email he wrote me five years ago.
I have considered suicide most of my life & would imagine most Davis kids did (maybe not Holly J). It’s a commonality w/ ADHD/bipolar folks. I have hated about 90% of life – perhaps more. It’s funny in that I don’t want to die that way. I don’t mind dying – have been ready most of my life – have no great reasons for staying here other than I haven’t been called, yet. I have sat & considered what would take place in basically any suicide & it is simply a sad pondering. You would want to go quick but any quick is brutal & ghastly. Shooting yourself is a mean damn thing to do to anybody you know. Loved one or the poor sucker having to come pull your body from wherever you made exit, etc – blah, blah. More folks choosing to depart these days & I think that trend will keep rising. There’s just no voice of faith anywhere in the land of any substance & I believe we are near the end.
I contemplate suicide the way I might contemplate revenge on some swine that took advantage of my vulnerable & issue bearing wife. I can imagine amazing detail because I’m a very detailed soul – but I don’t want to linger there. I’m not gonna hurt that puke & I don’t want to carry hatred. I’m just not made that way. I won’t hate Irina & pray God will help her move in healing. I pray God will help swine-guy, as well. I feel no love in my heart for him – but God does; so I will lift him up to he who loves him – & find healing in the effort.
I just wanted to be loved. Just once – someone to honestly hold me in their heart as their beloved
Suicide is the opening sentence. Desperation to be loved is the closing. There was a hole in my brother that no human could fill. I understand that emptiness, that yearning to be loved. I struggle with it often, myself. It creates problems for me in relationships when I discover that no, she does not love me like I hoped she would.
Common stuff, I think. My relationship with Yahuah gets me past all that, because He is always with me. His love was so good for me this morning. I prayed and wept and begged and thanked. Every difficult trial we endure through Him makes us stronger than we were before that trial.
I don’t judge my brother for choosing suicide. He reached the end of himself and did not lay it down before Yahuah. He held onto whatever was hurting him and his hatred of that hurtful thing drove him to take his own life.
His sorrow, whatever the cause of it, was real. He hurt, for decades. He wrestled with something that he would not release. I understand his yearning, because I want the same thing, but the love that heals is not human love. It is the love of God which heals us. It is the love from Yahuah which sets us free from the chains of human desire. Yahuah does satisfy that need but only if we allow that to happen.
In order to allow that to happen, we much let go of our want, our need, our desire and just flow with whatever Yahuah gives us.
It might actually be hard :), but the path is to remain in the Way of Yahuah, to continually give that burden to Yahuah, and to be grateful for Him taking it. Then walk in peace and accept whatever confronts you, always giving that “want” or “need” or “desire” to Him, over and over until someday, you actually hand it over and never look back.
Then He meets the need.
Yahuah is capable of all things. When we delight in our surrender, He delights in giving us the desire of our heart. When you want to give up in despair, just let Yahuah have it and let it go. He will meet your need when you genuinely let it go, because when you genuinely let it go, your need is no longer greater than God to you. Holding on to it yourself makes your need greater than God. You are putting that perceived need ahead of Him when you cling to it.
This is not an easy thing to do. It sometimes seems so slippery that it must be impossible, but when you truly want to be rid if it, you will let it go. You will feel it leaving you. You will experience that freedom from the oppression of that perceived “need”.
Its like a spirit leaving your body.
Sometimes we hold on to our oppressor because it has become a god unto us. We want to hold it, to turn it over in our mind, to ache for it, to beg God to deliver it. Like Gollom and “Precious”.
That’s what ultimately snared my brother. He committed the ultimate act of selfishness because he held on to his yearning to be loved. It wasn’t “love” he sought, because I loved him. He wanted something more and what he wanted Yahuah already offered, just as He offers His love to you.
Tim erected the statue of his god and wanted to worship it, but he could not find anyone to be that object. And in erecting his own statue of his own object of worship, he declared himself god. It was his ascension to divine status in his own mind which led to his death.
He has been judged by Yahuah for his choices. He will be judged for his disbelief, and for the harm he inflicted selfishly on the people who loved him the most. Suicide is as much a slap in the faces of those who love the person who kills himself, as it is a release from bondage of self.
I understand this quite well, because I have that same struggle. I am constantly asking Yahuah to provide me with a faithful wife. There is a hole in my heart where a faithful wife belongs, yet I have married three women who had no interest in Holiness or Truth or Righteousness.
Like my brother said of himself, I too want to be faithfully loved. But sometimes I think I also want to be worshipped. Revered is a better word, I suppose. And that is legitimate because your Holy Bible states plainly that a wife is to revere her husband as unto God Himself.
Ephesians 5:33 – (KJV+) NeverthelessG4133 let every oneG1538 of youG5210 (G2532) in particularG2596 G1520 soG3779 loveG25 hisG1438 wifeG1135 even asG5613 himself;G1438 andG1161 theG3588 wifeG1135 see thatG2443 she reverenceG5399 her husband.G435
So the greatest use of G5399 is “fear”. Is a wife to shake in terror of her husband, or does this “fear refer to the same “fear” that we are to hold for God Himself?
What does it mean to “fear” God?
When the Bible refers to the “fear of the Lord,” it means having a deep respect, reverence and awe for God’s power and authority. Rather than causing someone to be afraid of God, a proper “fear of the Lord” leads one to love Him.
This is what my brother sought, and what I also seek. Therefore I do understand his need, a correct one, but one which he placed in too esteemed a position and because he could not obtain it, he struck out in pain to harm those who loved him. If he could not have the love he so highly valued, then he would attack the hearts of all who loved him to make them suffer likewise.
He wrote frequently of “God” and his faith and belief. He had a real relationship with Yahuah. It was just a bit short on the “letting go” department.
Tim was sorely tormented and I will never know why. But I will not be surprised to see him in Heaven. Yahuah is merciful and kind.
If this doesn’t make any sense, please forgive me. I am in a place I have never been before, and putting things in writing is difficult. I am not sure yet what I am trying to say. I love my brother. I hope Yahuah knew him. Yahuah is separating the righteous from the unrighteous, and is bringing the sword as He promised.